Went down to Orleans for physical therapy today, and am still enjoying every opportunity to go for a ride (just like Marley!). I've always enjoyed driving - I can actively listen to music without bothering anyone, and I find it very therapeutic (hmm... maybe I should become a trucker! OK, maybe a courier...) I think it's time to change my CDs though, I've been listening to the same six all summer, and it's not like I don't have other choices. But it has partly been deliberate, as I know the repetition means that whenever I hear these songs in the future, I will always think of my last Cape Cod summer. I strongly connect music to prior times in my life and feeling states - it's like an emotional time machine. For instance, the 1976 hits "More, More, More" (Andrea True Connection) and "Afternoon Delight" (Starland Vocal Band) always remind me of my first summer visits to the Cape as a teenager, and "How's It Gonna Be" by Third Eye Blind reminds me of my first visits as an adult. Other songs remind me strongly of childhood (mainly songs from 1967 for some odd reason, when I was 4), or people I've dated ("Open Arms" by Journey, "When I Fall in Love" by Celine Dion, anything from the excellent musical "Jekyll and Hyde"), or trips I've taken ("Bennie and the Jets" brings back memories of hearing it on the bus during a junior-high trip to Philadelphia). Music affects me strongly, and in recent years I haven't listened to it as much as I used to. I'm starting to change that, with the help of my Zen Vision (a handheld music storage/playback device, like an iPod, that holds 15,000 songs).
Spent some time on the porch today reading the New York Times, something I don't do often enough (read the Times or sit on the porch). Very relaxing, I wish there were time for it every day. There probably is if I would get up earlier, but that would entail going to bed earlier, which would cut into other favored activities - reading at night, watching sitcoms and doing Crostics. Choices, choices.
Which brings me to another topic that's been on my mind lately - introversion. While the activities I've mentioned a preference for above may seem solitary and even "boring" to some, I am decidedly an introvert (excellent description here and here. I fall under "Group A"). Introverts have been likened to a rechargeable battery - they only have so much social energy to expend, at which time they need to go "recharge" by being alone. Extroverts (who make up most of the world), are very different in that they draw their energy from people. For the introvert, people drain their energy. Extroverts often think there's something wrong with introverts, and indeed introverts often think that as well. I know I sure did, and still do at times. It was especially tough being a gay introvert in a world of straight extroverts. I felt extremely different and isolated due to being so different from the majority of the population. Nothing 12 years of therapy couldn't correct.
All this has come back to haunt me here in Ptown. While I certainly can't feel different for being gay here (where the majority of the population is also gay), the striking thing is that I still feel like I don't fit in. It has taken me a while to realize why - this is a town full of extroverts. Gay extroverts, but extroverts nonetheless - and gay people can be really extroverted (think drag queens here). It overwhelms me (introverts are easily overwhelmed), and my response is to isolate. I think I've been on "overwhelm" a lot the past few years (from working too much and too much change), and I need to respect my need for solitude and stability more. After a long day of dealing with the public, which I've been doing for many years now, I can feel pretty drained and just want to sit alone and read or watch tv or listen to music. I envisioned my move to Ptown being much less overwhelming, perhaps because I came here on vacation so much and was influenced by those memories. It is a laid back place, but not when you're an introvert running a business here.
For those of you who have known me a while, you can see the point at which my social energy goes out the window. I get quiet and probably look a bit miserable. Sometimes I let this go on for too long and can feel physically ill or panicky.
It is clear to me that being my own boss strongly appealed to my introvert tendencies as a teenager. However, now that I will likely go to work for someone else, I am wondering what kind of job I can tolerate, as there are many more jobs targeted towards extroverts than introverts. I'm sure I'll find something (libraries are certainly appealing, as is writing). I can't say as though running my own business is any longer the best choice. Too overwhelming. It was good while it lasted, but time to move on to something more sedate.
As promised, here is today's quote, appropriately about a famous introvert, spoken by President John F. Kennedy when he welcomed forty-nine Nobel Prize winners to the White House in 1962, saying,
"I think this is the most extraordinary collection of talent and of human knowledge that has ever been gathered together at the White House—with the possible exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined alone."
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